Be A Netflix Sloth Today!

6 Jan
Give in to the lazy, my friend. Give in.

Give in to the lazy, my friend. Give in.

It’s freezing cold out. Well not in NYC, but anywhere in the Midwest is just a freakin’ icicle. So, if you are one of the lucky people out there who don’t have to venture out of the house in fear of hypothermia, what are you going to do? Laze around in your pajamas, maybe catch up on some housework, take a few naps, or Netflix your TV and/or laptop until it is too hot to touch. Some might say such activities would make them stir crazy. Ignore them. That is THE LIFE.

Last year when I was unemployed, I did that on the daily. And while my bank account did a plummet dive, I learned a few things. How much cookie dough a human body is able to consume in one day. No sunlight for a week makes my skin basically translucent. That there is true beauty in watching a television series in chronological order without stopping (except when refilling my plate of nachos). I also learned the art of making myself appear like I had been busy all day in a 15-20 minute time span. So when my significant other appeared at the door after being gone for 10 hours, I could boast that I actually emptied the dishwasher and attempted to take out the trash, but the sunlight hurt my eyes – I’m getting sidetracked here.

Oh the gods that made online television and movies available. Every season of Law and Order: SVU? Why yes – I love to imagine the worst in people! Orange Is The New Black? I’ll give women prison a try. I get to watch the love triangle that is Dawson/Joey/Pacey again? PLEASE, come back to me ’90s childhood. I wondered aloud many times what my life would had been like without this miracle service. I read books? I made real friends? I went outside and wasn’t allergic to vitamin D? Stop.

Are you a newbie to this world of hibernating laziness? Do you need help slouching onto the couch, pulling a blanket over, and putting a marshmallow or two in your Swiss Miss? Doubtful. But there are rules to starting a truly amazing marathon (very lax, BTW).

One, don’t listen to the recommendations of your friends or family. If they say you will LOVE House Of Cards or Downton Abbey over and over, that’s a bad sign. Don’t give in for at least a few months. Your expectations will be over the moon and if the first few episodes don’t appease, then you will just lose interest and move on to something else. That’s how I was with Breaking Bad. I really do think it’s one of the best executed television series out there, but I couldn’t handle everyone’s recommendations, so I waited.

Instead, start with a series you are familiar with, like Felicity or Friends. If you are being pure sloth, why bother with trying something new? That’s like learning and stuff, and this is not a day for that.

Are you worried that you will fall asleep from your food coma/lack of doing anything remotely physical? Have no fear, you will. And the beauty of an online television series – just restart your episode until you have actually watched the whole thing. (Sometimes I had to watch the same episode for an entire afternoon, but priorities.)

Wait, what? You don’t know the thrill yet of on demand TV systems? I am so sorry, are you in constant pain? Well, you can do somewhat the same inserting your Gilmore Girls, Harry Potter or Lord Of The Rings collection into your DVD player. Unfortunately, you will have to get up off the couch and insert each disc, so you will get some unneeded exercise out of the activity. So tomorrow’s first priority: Sign up for online TV. Not today though, just no.

Remember to get all the essentials to your bed/couch/the floor. Easily microwaved food, chunks of cheese, wine, coffee. If it gets cold, let it. I mean, you can reheat things, but that again involves physical activity. Avoid that at all cost. Make a cocoon of blankets. Your feet will get sweaty. Air out your socks, put them back on. Allow your face to get extra greasy. I tried to do the green face mask while watching, expecting to look like an angel afterwards, it just got all over everything and freaked out anyone who came into my apartment. You will just look a swamp thing sloth. Scratch that, do that, put the mask on.

And lastly, before getting too comfortable (this is important), make sure the batteries in your remotes are in working order. For the love of all things, this is essential.

Enjoy your laziness. My favorite days were the ones were I could barely make out words – oh, so jealous. Also, this is not a recommendation, but Freaks And Geeks is on Netflix. Just sayin’.


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